I regret to inform you that my daughter, Turf, is coming to your house

To whom it may concern,


I regret to inform you that my daughter, Turf, is coming to your house. Perhaps you have a misguided child who considers Turf a friend. Perhaps she has somehow wheedled her dark arts upon your good self and insisted herself into your home. Whatever the catalyst, the decision has been made and my daughter, Turf, is now coming to your house.


It is immutable and it is imminent.


I write to you to inform you of several facts so that you may prepare yourself for Turf’s arrival:


  • My daughter, Turf, emits a constant tone at a consistent 92 decibels. I have tried everything to stop it, from mild shushing to strapping on a nosebag filled with Jordan almonds, but it would appear the tone is involuntary, seeping not from her mouth but from all of her pores.

  • Turf (my daughter) has a gas problem. It is not, as I suspect you are thinking, that she is flatulent. Rather, she has no fixed volume and will expand to fit any room you place her in. For your own safety, please construct an antichamber in each room to contain her.

  • My precious girl, Turf, WILL turn all of your ceramics into birds.

  • The fruit of my loins, Turf, covers all surfaces she comes into contact with in a fine mucus. It is impossible to remove, however, it does have an advantage of being phosphorescent, so your home will never know darkness again.

  • Turf, my sole offspring, is very sensitive and you must take care with the media she is allowed to consume in your abode. Should she witness any television program that is not Pat Callinan’s 4x4 Adventures, she may begin to project a feed of her favourite episodes of Pat Callinan’s 4x4 Adventures directly into the consciousness of anyone within a 5-kilometre radius. Consider your fondness for Pat Callinan’s 4x4 Adventures and proceed accordingly.

  • My sweet baby, Turf, WILL turn all of your plumbing fittings into birds.

  • My firstborn, Turf, is likely to take any citrus in your home as a direct insult. Do not throw your citrus away. She will know it has been a recent resident and will despise that you have swept it under the carpet. Please hold a public denouncement ceremony for all citrus you have owned in the past week upon Turf’s/my daughter’s arrival.

  • In 25 minutes, your house WILL be birds.


I will supply my daughter, Turf, with a knapsack containing all pertinent items for her stay, including foam earplugs, several aviaries and a packed lunch of Jordan almonds.


Thank you for inviting her into your home. I am deeply sorry.