G'morn, Nice Timers! It's almost Christmas! Can you believe it?! Well, yes. Probably. It's the same time every year and a lot of places are decorated Christmassy, so it doesn't really sneak up on you, huh? Abigail's really getting into the spirit.
She rolled herself in glitter about a week ago, puffed up like a bauble and has refused to budge from the Christmas tree since. I take her some nog and seed cookies every night and she coos a little Christmas carol.
In the spirit of the festive season, how about a story?
Pam the Christmas Clam
Pam was a quiet little clam. She mostly kept to herself, burbling about at the bottom of the ocean. Pam wasn't big into hanging out with the other sea critters. She was weird in conversations and she plenty enjoyed her own company. So she spent her days clamming about, sifting through the sand. Most times she just found sand and little bits to eat, but one December morn' she stumbled across something new entirely. It was a round and shiny wonder. She could see her face in it and it looked hilarious. Pam rolled the bauble back to her home and now it's her favourite thing. She doesn't know what Christmas is. She is a clam.
It's Time for Christmas Facts
- Christmas is so named because Christ was massive. Most written records state he was between 7 and 12 storeys tall and could house 1,000 residents.
- The first Christmas present was given in 1582. It was a small rock, painted to look like a cake. The recipient felt bad they had nothing to give in return.
- Christmas puddings were invented to strategically place around a hut to keep the wind out. They weren't discovered to be edible until the 1900s.
- Santa's actual name is Berdnitoot Restfluffle. Santa Claus is just a stage name.
- Christmas carols are actually a special deterrent to keep Christmas goblins at bay, so blast those carols if you don't want your teeth eaten!
- Tinsel is an element on the periodic table.
- Egg nog comes from the eggs of the nog - a large lizard that primarily eats cinnamon, nutmeg and sherry.
- In Germany, they have Krampus. In Italy, La Befana. In Australia, we have Bumblefrig - part kangaroo, part spider, all Christmas.
- I like Christmas.
- The best Christmas gift is spending time with the people you love. The second best gift is a JB Hi-Fi gift card.
Here are some Christmas decorations for you
Here is a recipe for a Christmas salad
2 cups of cooked green lentils - cooled down
2 cups of cooked pearl barley - yep, cool those bad boyos down
1 cup of cooked red quinoa - oh, you bet you want this quinoa cooled down
1 bunch of dill, finely chopped
1/3 cup pepitas
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
Remove all the seeds from the pomegranate. Consult the internet for the best way to do this. I usually attack it with a spoon and it looks like a crime scene when I am done.
Mix together the lentils, barley, quinoa, pomegranate seeds, dill and pepitas in a big 'ol bowl. Drizzle over the olive oil and the vinegar and give it another mix. That's it! You got a salad! What festive colours! How nice to eat in the hot weather!
Here is a recipe for a Christmas salad for when you can't be bothered
1 bag of potato gems
Put the gems into the oven for the required amount of time. Put into a bowl. Toppings optional.
Here is a Christmas carol
I'm not one for religion
But I really like potatoes
The stories are pretty neat
But potatoes are my friend
So let's all get together
And eat so many potatoes
'Cause I love youse and potatoes
They'll be there till the end
What is the best Christmas song and/or movie?
Please send your answers to firstname.lastname@example.org
Dog of the Week
Joanne the Springer Spaniel is a graphic designer from Northcote, VIC. She enjoys going to the farmers' market, baking, and burying underpants in her backyard.
Letters to Santa
Many years ago, you brought me a Game Boy Pocket. It was a special edition gold one and it came with a Donkey Kong. Unfortunately, you forgot to bring me batteries, so I have been unable to use it these many, many, many years. Please, Santa, bring me two AAA batteries this year.
- Grendle, Hamf QLD
This year, please don't bring me anything. My ability to then tell everyone that material possessions mean nothing to me will be gift enough. I can't wait to feel a deep smug satisfaction course deep in my veins.
- Dashub, Flartly Plains TAS
Do you have any special dietary requirements? I feel bad I have never checked with you and left you sugar and dairy products in years past.
- Taff-Taff, Punchon SA
Don't worry about my previous letter. I just found some batteries in the back of the second drawer in the kitchen.
- Grendle, Hamf QLD
For Christmas I would like a pony. I will name it Sam and we will go on adventures, like a trip to sample whisky on Bruny Island.
- Jant, Croppington's Curse VIC
Actually, those batteries I found had run out of charge. False alarm. Please reinstate my previous request of two AAA batteries.
- Grendle, Hamf QLD
That's all the time we've got for today. Have a freakin' rad Christmas, you guys.
Until next time, may the majority of your times be nice times.
(Vice President and Nonsense Wrangler of the Nice Times Club)