Welcome, friendos, to the last Nice Times Club meeting for 2016! It has been a heck of a year, but there's plenty to be thankful for too. I, for one, have made a great bunch of new pals in all you Nice Timers. How great is that! And now we get to go forward into 2017 together, celebrating our wins and doling out hugs when we're not doing so good. That is pretty exciting.
Abigail's been doing some cleaning around the treehouse, getting everything nice for the new year. We're all doing something different for New Year's Eve. Abigail and a bunch of her bird friends are going to go perch on the buildings at Southbank and watch the fireworks. Bearcat's going to a house party where they're going to play a bunch of board games. I usually like to hang at home and reflect on the year that's passed and start planning all the things I want to do in the next year. Planning makes me happy.
Speaking of planning, I've got some fun stuff planned for us today - starting with a story.
Nancy the Hermit Crab
Nancy the Hermit Crab was fed up. For as long as she could remember, things hadn’t been going her way.
“It’s this shell,” thought Nancy. “Ever since I switched over to this shell, everything’s been stagnant. But you know what? In a couple of days, I’ll be big enough to move out of this shell and into a brand-new one, and then everything will be better!”
“I dunno, Nancy,” said Tina the starfish. “New shells are nice, but I don’t think a shell can change your luck. All you can really do is try and live your life in a positive way and take each day as it comes, right?”
“Nup,” said Nancy. “It’s definitely this shell that’s the problem.”
A few days passed. Nancy was ready to move to her new shell. She found herself a nice roomy one, with a lovely pattern on the side.
“This is going to change everything,” thought Nancy.
But then a few more days passed and nothing had changed, really, aside from a few days passing. Nancy’s life was as it had previously been and she was mighty glum about it.
“This is rotten,” said Nancy. “I really thought this new shell was going to do the trick.”
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out how you thought it would,” said Tina the starfish. “But you know what? I bet those first few days, you felt kind of okay, huh?”
“They were alright, I guess,” said Nancy. “I really felt like I was going somewhere.”
“Well, it wasn’t the shell that made you feel like that, Nance. It was your attitude. The world can stink sometimes, and a lot of that is down to dumb luck and there’s nothing you can do about that. But if you think like things are going to work out and try and look at the bright side, you might find things are a bit less glum for you after all.”
“That sounds like a pile of bunk, Tina.”
It's Time for Television Facts
- TV stands for “trumpeting vaginas”, as that is the ultimate thing that could be broadcast on television. It serves as a constant reminder of that goal.
- The first show broadcast on television was Monty Wurmstrung’s Pallid Face Hour. The show ran for 637 minutes and consisted of Wurmstrung staring into a camera, sweating until all his face make-up came off.
- The highest number of television sets anyone has owned is three.
- The best TV show is RuPaul's Drag Race.
- The first television studio was a broken-down submarine in Reg Grundy's backyard.
- The most prestigious TV awards are the stickers I give myself every time I finish watching a series.
- The first televised news story was about a bird that got into the studio and pooped on the desk.
- Early television sets produced their images on account of millions of tiny bugs being inside the set and painting the images on the screen and then repainting it. These days, however, television is much more civilised and is powered by magic.
- Television is sometimes called the "boob tube" because television sets look exactly like tubes of breasts.
- The best TV show is RuPaul's Drag Race.
What is something you would like to do next year?
Please send your answers to email@example.com
Dog of the Week
Daniella the Bull Terrier is a sous chef from Carnegie, VIC. She enjoys spelunking, pressing flowers, and eating portraits of herself.
Letters to the Editor
You know what's good? Going down to the park with a book you're enjoying and a little picnic for one and sitting under a tree and reading the book a bit but mostly just listening to the birds and the people and feeling the sun on your face. Just thought you should know.
Gravyl, Bernaby Watch QLD
I purchased your face mask product the other week and I put it on my face and it did nothing! I've had the packet balanced on my forehead for nine hours now and I am seeing zero results! I demand a refund!
Morp, Grassed Knob VIC
Thank you for the plant you sent me. I have named it Fred. Fred sits next to the TV so he can watch my stories with me. It's just wonderful.
Turt, Wabb's Gronk WA
Well, that's the end of our last meeting for 2016. I hope you all have a lovely and safe New Year time!
Until next time, may the majority of your times be nice times.
(Vice President and Nonsense Wrangler of the Nice Times Club)