G'arvo, Nice Timers! I hope you're all doing well, wherever you are. It's a bit drizzly here at the Nice Times treehouse. Abigail's moved her nest inside. She's parked it on top of the TV and she's miming along to all of Leslie Knope's lines as I rewatch Parks and Recreation. Bearcat is in the kitchen. They've promised cake and there are some promising whirring and clanging sounds, so I'm pretty excited. In the meantime, how about a story?
Vernon the Indifferent Ghost
Vernon was the ghost in charge of haunting the old, run-down, spooky-as-heck candy store down in the industrial part of town. He’d been assigned there about 20 years ago and it was okay at first but spooking was never really up there in his list of priorities.
One warm summer night, a bunch of cool teens snuck into the store, wanting to stay the night in a haunted house. They drew on the floor with chalk and chanted, hoping to summon a ghost. Vernon rocked into the room with a sigh.
“Are you a g-g-g-ghost?” asked a teen named Jenny.
“Yeah, I guess,” said Vernon.
“Are you gonna spook us?” asked a teen named Brad.
“Eh,” said Vernon.
“Oh! Are you a friendly ghost?!” asked a teen named Mandy.
“I wouldn't go that far,” said Vernon.
The teens stared at Vernon, waiting for something to happen.
“Do whatever, kids. I don't care. Just clean up when you leave,” said Vernon.
“Woooow,” said Jenny, “you’re really giving this ghost thing your all, huh?”
“Eh,” said Vernon. “Haunting’s fine but I’m not super into it.”
“Well, what would you be super into?” asked Brad.
“Uh...I’ve always fancied numbers. I’d kinda like to be an accountant.”
“So go do that!” said Mandy. “Why spend all your time here if you just feel ‘meh’ about it?”
“You have a point there,” said Vernon.
So Vernon left the candy store and enrolled in an accounting course. From there, he got himself a junior level job and worked his way up and now he’s just having the best time, counting or whatever it is accountants do.
It's Time for Lizard Facts
All lizards are wizards but only some wizards are lizards.
Common types of lizard include bearded, mustachioed and plain.
Lizards are very hardy and can live in many environments, but they mostly like to live in studio apartments.
If you were to touch a lizard, it would say, “Hey! Why are you doing that? Stop that, please.”
Some lizards can blend in very well with trees, which technically means that they are classified as ‘leaves’ rather than ‘reptiles’.
Lizards have sharp claws and are excellent at finding the end of the sticky tape.
- I’m about 80% sure lizards eat bugs.
- A lot of lizards are green, but you don't hear them complaining about it.
- The best name for a lizard is Runcible.
- Lizards are fast.
What should I get for dinner?
Please send your answers to email@example.com
Dog of the Week
Abigail, that's clearly you. You've just strapped some socks to the side of your head.
Letters to the Editor
To whom it may concern,
Someone keeps drawing a doodle on the side of my bin. I wouldn't mind, it's just that it is drawn poorly. Do it right or don't do it at all!
Cathby, Warnbub QLD
Hrankle has done an identity theft on me and now I am wanted for stealing a precious artwork from the Louvre. When will this revolting cat be done with me and let me live in peace?
Garph, Tootle's Plunk WA
Here is a song about flying away (caution - swears)
Thanks for joining me for another week, gang! It's been real lovely.
Until next time, may the majority of your times be nice times.
(Vice President and Nonsense Wrangler of the Nice Times Club)