G'arvo, Nice Timers! Or perhaps g'evening or even g'morn depending on when you read this. I don't know when you're going to read this. You could be saving it for next Thursday for all I know. I'm not some kind of mind reader.
I used to try and see if I had mind powers, like Matilda from the Roald Dahl book 'Matilda', and try and move stuff around the room. It didn't work. But if it ever did, I think I would mainly use my power to keep a bag of chips and a jar of pickles floating in my vicinity at all times. That would be pretty cool. OK.
Darren the Seagull Who Wanted A Potato Cake
Darren the Seagull had lived near the beach most of his life. He was happy enough, eating whatever bits came his way - chips, bits of ice-cream cones, pizza shapes. It was all great and Darren had nothing to complain about. But one day, Darren realised that in his heart of hearts he wanted nothing more than to get a potato cake. A crisp, fresh hot one, all to his own. So Darren headed down to the end of the beach where the fish and chips shop was right next to the sand.
When he got down there, he saw that there were a bunch of other seagulls hanging out, squawking and carrying on.
"What's all this, then?" asked Darren the Seagull.
"We're trying to get a potato cake!" said Torrence the Seagull.
"What, all of you?" asked Darren the Seagull.
"Yep!" said Ermaline the Seagull.
"Has anyone ever got one?" asked Darren the Seagull.
"Sometimes!" said Juneberry the Seagull.
"Once or twice!" said Emberto the Seagull.
"It's been known to happen!" said Gracey the Seagull.
"Well, I guess I'll hang out with you guys and try my luck?" said Darren the Seagull.
"Do it!" said Torrence the Seagull.
"It's a good time," said Rascal the Seagull.
Darren went down to the strip of sand outside the fish and chip shop every day and he and all the other seagulls would try their hardest to grab a fat ol' potato cake. Months went by. Maybe one seagull got one? They weren't really sure. It might have just been two chips stuck together with a bit of chiko roll skin. Years went by.
"I don't think I'm ever going to get a potato cake," said Darren the Seagull.
"Look, you might not," said Torrence the Seagull, "but does that really matter?"
"Well, I'd really quite like one," said Darren the Seagull.
"Sure. We all would. But it's a pretty great time just all us gulls hanging out, right?" said Torrence the Seagull.
"Yeah, it is pretty great," said Darren the Seagull.
It's Time for Exercise Facts
- The first time someone ever did exercise, they were all like, "Whoa! What? Why am I so tired right now? What happened?"
- There are two main types of exercise - Damp, e.g. your swim times, your dive times, and Land, e.g. your jog times, your bicycle times, your sits-up.
- CrossFit is so named because you do it and get fit, but then get annoyed that you got fit and now what are you going to do? You did it already.
- You have probably heard of the pentathlon and the decathlon, but there is also the éntekathon, which is just the decathlon except there is an added event - tracksuit fashion parade.
- There are many rewarding things about exercise, but the main one is the swooshy noise that trackpants make when you move in them.
- Why has no-one invented Exercise Shoes? It would be like an exercise bike, except it's shoes you put your feet in and then they run on the spot in your house in an automated way? What's that? Treadmills? Never heard of them.
- Exercise can be good for your mental health, so it's good to do. But sometimes also sitting on the couch and watching all of Parks and Recreation again can also be good for your mental health, so everything in moderation, I guess.
- Why has no-one invented an app that's like Zombies, Run except the story is about going to visit a bunch of nice fictional pals and having a chat with them and it's all very pleasant and un-stressful? People who know how to make apps, hit your girl Elyce up!
- Puzzles are like exercises for your brain. How good are puzzles?
- Sometimes exercise is called "sports".
What's your favourite thing to do outdoors?
Please send your answers to firstname.lastname@example.org
Dog of the Week
Oh. Oh, dear. There has been a mishap. Oh, no.
Letters to the Editor
To whom it may CORNcern,
Did you see what I did there? Fabulous ideas such as this and MORE could be all yours if you hire me to be on the marketing board of corn.
Poots McTingle, Walled Inn TAS
DEAR SIR/MADAM. I PURCHASED A KEYBOARD FROM YOUR ESTABLISHMENT THE OTHER DAY AND NOW ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE ANGRY AT ME. THEY SAY I HAVE BEEN AGGRESSIVE WITH ALL OF THEM AND I ABSOLUTELY HAVE NOT. IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE KEYBOARD I PURCHASED IS TYPING NASTY MESSAGES OF ITS OWN ACCORD IN THE NIGHT-TIME? ALSO, IS THERE AN ATTACHMENT I CAN BUY WHICH WOULD ALLOW ME ACCESS TO THE SMALL LETTERS?
NERPLE JANSTON, GOSH TOOTING WA
Dear Fall Baking Magazine,
Thank you for publishing your marvellous publication. It is truly incredible that all these magnificent bakes have fallen down and they still look so wonderful. It is an inspiration to me, a woman who falls down on the reg.
Dratly Kindness, Nannanap QLD
And that's all for this week's Nice Times Club! I hope you've had a nice time. I sure had a nice time making up all this guff. I'll see you again next week, for more of this general nonsense!
Until next time, may the majority of your times be nice times.
(Vice President and Nonsense Wrangler of the Nice Times Club)