G'arvo, Nice Timers! Thanks so much for stopping by. I hope you've been having an alright day. I'm hanging out in the Nice Times Club treehouse with the gang. Guest cat Marceline is still here. She's taken to trying to eat everyone's feet. Abigail has made herself a new nest, this time on Bearcat's tum while they have a nap in the hammock. I think that bring Abigail's nest total to seven now?
But that's by the by. How about a story?
Angeline the Piece of Toast
Angeline was pretty much your average piece of toast. She was soy and linseed, which is good for your lady parts, toasted to a medium brown. Before this morning, she had been a piece of bread, standing strong with the rest of the loaf. But now she sat on a plate, proud and alone.
Also sitting on the table were some condiments - a jar of Vegemite and a tub of Nuttelex.
“Hi, toast!” said the Nuttelex, “Welcome!”
“We’re so excited to be working with you!” said the Vegemite.
“Um, my name is Angeline, thanks, and I work solo,” said Angeline.
“But it will be so much fun to work together!” said the Nuttelex.
“Yeah, we’ve had a lot of collaborative experiences and they’ve all gone down a treat,” said the Vegemite.
“Nah, rack off,” said Angeline. “Jog the heck on.”
Just then, a big ol’ human came along with a butter knife and spread some Nuttelex all over Angeline. It was weird and different and awkward, but Angeline couldn’t deny that she smelled tastier than just her plain old toast smell. Then the Vegemite got all on there and while it smelled kind of funky, Angeline had to admit that it brought a level of complexity that she didn’t have on her own.
“You know what?” said Angeline, “I guess we do work together pretty well.”
“Dang straight!” said the Nuttelex.
“We’re gosh darn delicious!” said the Vegemite.
It's Time for Book Facts
- The shortest book to ever exist was written by scientist Tom-Tom Knowles. He folded a tiny piece of paper, using tweezers and a microscope, and inside wrote the word "arse".
- The word "book" is short for "Paperulised Bookagram".
- Until 2004, books were mostly printed on paper, but now they are more frequently printed on very thin rice crackers disguised to look like paper.
- It is the law that all libraries must contain at least one hardcover book about mime that was published in the '70s.
- The highest-selling book in the world is the Bible. The second-highest-selling book in the world is "How To Make Friends Using Gum and Pipe Cleaners" by Dillery Scramble.
- Libraries are so called because you go there and pretend to own a book for a set period of time and you are fooling nobody.
- The longest-running book series is "Ways My Cat Has Wronged Me" by Garph Danp. There are 1.7 million volumes and they are all terrible.
- You can get books from a bookstore, but a bookstore can't get books from you. Unless it is a second-hand bookstore, I guess. You know what? Never mind.
- The phrase "book 'em" comes from ye olde police procedures. When someone got caught doing something wrong, they would be pressed in a book - like a wildflower - for a set number of days, depending on the offence.
- Some of my best friends are books.
What is the most underrated film?
Please send your answers to email@example.com
Dog of the Week
Norman the Papillon is a barrister from Taylors Lakes, VIC. He enjoys playing squash, watching arthouse films and peeing in your shoes.
Letters to the Editor
HIIIII! CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BABY! It's not every day that a human gives birth to an actual home cinema system! YOU ARE SO LUCKKYYYYYY! xoxox
Janicth, Glerbol TAS
I am writing to complain about my cat, Hrankle. Hrankle has wronged me over 1.7 million times now, and I have had enough. Today he stole my credit card and ordered me seven shirts that say "I am Garph and I drink from the toilet". Hrankle has thrown away all my other shirts. This madness must end!
Garph, Tootle's Plunk WA
You have won $7.52! To collect, you must spend one night in a Haunted House, by which I mean please send me your bank details so I can pay you back for the marshmallows you bought for me. Thanks.
Murt, Bum Ankle ACT
Garph drinks from the toilet.
Hrankle, Tootle's Plunk WA
Thanks for stopping by, Nice Timers. It's always so dang lovely to have you!
Until next time, may the majority of your times be nice times.
(Vice President and Nonsense Wrangler of the Nice Times Club)