Well, hey there, bud-buds! It's been a couple weeks, huh? I've been off gallivanting! But now we're back and we are just as nice and times and club as we have ever been. How about we just get stuck the heck in with no delay and have ourselves a story time? How about I tell you a story about a retaining wall because why not?
Chris the Retaining Wall
Chris the Retaining Wall was a few decades old now and he was starting to show a few signs of wear and tear. The decorative shingles that ran along his noggin had crumbled away in spots and there were small cracks forming in his bricks.
"Ugh, I'm the worst!" said Chris, aloud, to no-one in particular. "I'm made of stone! I'm supposed to be big and strong and tough, but look at me! So many little cracks! So many little crumbles! Crumbles for days! Might as well call me Chris the Crunchie because I'm like a Violet Crumble but not as good."
Gloria the Mound of Dirt was listening in and she was straight-up baffled. She thought Chris was great! He was always there for her, and stopped her sloppy arse from falling all over the pavement all the time. She had always assumed he was grumpy because he was annoyed at her dropping little pebbles and sticks and general debris on his face. So she decided to say something.
"Oi, Chris!" yelled Gloria.
"What?" said Chris.
"I think you're really great!" Gloria yelled. "I know you beat yourself up because you have a few little cracks here and there, but I tell you what - I think the only person they bother is you! You're a wonderful wall and you support me and my soil-y mess every day! Without even thinking! That's pretty special!"
"But what if my cracks get bigger and I can't help you anymore?" said Chris.
"Well, I'd be okay with that," yelled Gloria, "because then we'd just be two rubble-y piles together! But I reckon someone will come along and help you out before it comes to that, just like you help me out."
"You reckon?" said Chris.
"Yeah!" yelled Gloria.
"Thanks, Gloria," said Chris. "I needed to hear that. I mean, I can't promise I'll stop getting annoyed at myself, because I'm real good at that, but thanks. I feel better."
"No worries, mate! I get it!" yelled Gloria.
It's Time for Bear Facts
- All bears poop in the woods and they are VERY uncomfortable that it has become such common knowledge.
- The term "bear", as in "I cannot bear to do that", was started up by Besswise Runcible in 1842. She made a habit of dressing up as a bear any time she needed to do something. When she said "I can't bear to do that", it would mean the item on the agenda was so low priority, she couldn't be arsed to get into the bear suit to do it, hence it would go undone. Somehow, bafflingly, it fell into regular usage and is still a term we use today.
- All bears go wees in the same portable toilet located in Muscle Shoals, Alabama. It's a pain in the butt and they'll be very annoyed that I've told you this.
- Here are some kinds of bears - Black, Brown, Polar, Grizzly, Leather, Muscle, Grudge and Was-Grizzly-But-Now-Feeling-Much-Calmer-Thank-You.
- Bears find bear-shaped honey containers borderline offensive.
- If you go down to the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise.
- If you go down to the woods today, you better go in disguise.
- For every bear that ever there was will gather there for certain because today's the day the teddy bears have their Sensory Degustation Spectacular, which is the headline event of the Woodlands Food and Wine Festival and tickets sold out months ago, so you really can't just rock up like it's nothing.
What's something you'd like to learn how to do?
Send your answers to firstname.lastname@example.org
HEY, IT"S ME _ ABIGAIL! IT"S TIME FOR MY BIT. TODAY IK"M GOIG T O DO A COMINC FO YOUM>
WOW. SO MUCH TALENT IN SUCH AN D SMALK BIRDB.
Letters to the Editor
To whom it may concern,
I went on the bus the other day and it was a lovely time. I saw some good trees and it was quiet and I read quite a lot of my book. I look forward to taking the bus again. So, well done, I guess.
Mortha, Prithum Whats VIC
Dear sir or madam,
What is love? I tried listening to a song to explain it and all it did was ask me not to hurt it any more, which was very confusing as I don't know how you can hurt a song, so I have no idea how to stop doing it. Please help.
Timothies, Grunstvale WA
And that's all the Nice Times for this week! I hope your time has been nice. We'll meet again next week, in your inbox, for some more absolute guff and doodles.
Until next time, may the majority of your times be nice times.
(Vice President and Nonsense Wrangler of the Nice Times Club)